If you are considering separation or just beginning the divorce process, you may have a lot of stress and worry about the future. As someone just coming through that profoundly challenging life change, I feel compelled to share my lessons.

The divorce process is unique for everyone, and the stages of divorce can vary greatly depending on your situation. I recommend you lean on any friends or family members who have been through it for advice and support. These lessons I share with you are based on my experience, and all will not be the same for you.  

I’m sharing 10 things I have learned from the divorce process in the hopes that you will find comfort in this time of uncertainty. Some of these will sound like cliches, but I have found them all realistic. 

#1: I am stronger than I think I am.

When people go through hard times like the stages of divorce or any significant life change, we are challenged to be greater versions of ourselves. If you are considering divorce, or even if your spouse is initiating the divorce process, you may already realize that there is something better for you than what you are living now. 

The truth I learned is that the fantasy of a better life is not just “out there” waiting for me. Instead, I now have the opportunity to become a better version of myself and thus lead a better life.

Growth is almost always painful but also rewarding. In dark times, we too often fall victim to limiting beliefs about ourselves. Without even knowing you, I can assure you that you are stronger than you think you are. You may only realize it once you are tested, but whatever it is you think you cannot do, remember these words and push through one step at a time.

#2: I can ride out a storm.  

The thing about storms is that they pass. Even week-long hurricanes that leave devastating destruction in their wake don’t last forever. The day will come when it will be time to rebuild. When in a terribly stressful situation, remind yourself, “This too shall pass.”  

When I worked as a waitress, I learned the term “in the weeds” for when a server has many tables with orders coming in and they can’t stop even for a second. As a single parent, I’m “in the weeds” from the minute I walk in the door until I put my head down on my pillow at night. I’ve come to find 5-10 minute breaks where I can sit and scroll through social media or reply to texts from friends. These breaks aren’t lazy or less productive. They are necessary and give me the strength to keep going. 

Sometimes I look back at the number of tasks I have completed in a day and am amazed at myself. I used to be the kid whose room was a mess, who always lost valuable items, and who needed reminders. As a single working parent, I work full-time, run a household, and care for three kids. It’s helpful to look back at your achievements not to bloat your ego but to remind yourself that you can do hard things.

#3: Most problems are solvable.

In the past, when I was faced with a problem or situation that intimidated me (like a clogged sink or broken door handle), I would procrastinate like crazy to avoid ever having to do it.

As a single parent, I’ve learned that no one will come to save me from the thing I am avoiding. The sooner I face it, the better off I will be. I have gained confidence in my abilities as I have met more of these uncomfortable situations. Don’t get me wrong, I can think of one or two things I am currently delaying out of fear, but more and more, I am facing my fears of failure and tackling more problems and tricky situations than I ever did before. 

#4: It’s good to accept help.

The divorce process can leave us feeling raw and vulnerable. To be on my own for the first time in 20 years was scarier and less liberating than I thought it would be. However, what I learned quickly was that I was not alone.  

As a society, we have the desire to help each other. When you hear of a friend or neighbor in a troubling situation, you also very quickly discover stories of how people are lending a hand by dropping off meals, starting a GoFundMe page, babysitting, or donating needed items.  

People like it when you take their help, so they will be more likely to accept your help when needed. In the past two years, while I was going through the divorce process, two friends of mine were dealing with injured and sick spouses. We offered help and took assistance from each other, whether that meant a simple carpool or just allowing someone a vent session.

Relationships can grow, and you build your village in times of struggle. Support others and use their support too. Allow people to help and build trust.

#5: Creating a life full of family, friends, and purpose is essential.

This statement is true not only when you are going through the divorce process but also for life. I look back at my marriage and realize it could have been happier if we had each supported each other in doing this.  

Life can not only be about the people you are caring for. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Carrying on this way is making a martyr out of yourself; no one can compete with that, not even you.  

Take time for yourself, and if you are in a relationship, respect this need in your partner. You will be glad you did.

#6: My kids are resilient but need a stable parent now more than ever.

I always heard this while going through the divorce process and sharing my fears regarding my children with friends. Kids are resilient, but they can be much more persevering when they have a good example to follow.  

I can’t say I haven’t broken down crying in front of my children or kept them from witnessing my ex and me fighting. I’m not saying you should go through the divorce process with a smile plastered on your face at all times. It’s OK if they see you fall, but just as important is that they see you pull yourself back up.  

After difficult moments when they saw me at my lowest points, I later talked with them about how I was upset or stressed, but I am OK now. I reminded them that what was stressing me had me down for a moment, but I wasn’t giving up. I will use that time to talk about anything I need them to know and allow them to discuss their feelings and fears. By showing them that it is OK to express negative emotions, I also permit them to not be OK with everything they are going through.  

I want to caution you not to lean on your children for support. This move is one of the worst things a parent can do when going through the divorce process. Sharing your adult stressors can be very scary for a child. They can see you upset and hurting, but make sure they see you come back around and be OK again in the next minutes, hours, or days. 

#7: My kids have their own experiences in this divorce process.

It takes careful planning to explain the divorce process to your children. Depending on their age, you may have to change the delivery and amount of information you share. I’ve learned that no matter what narrative I deliver to my children about why Daddy and I don’t live together anymore, they will ultimately have their own experiences with the situation.

Every person brings their unique perspective into any situation based on their personality and personal experiences. I know my daughter has a different experience in this divorce process than her brothers. Her relationship with her father and me significantly differs from that of her brothers.  

Divorce has taught me to respect the experiences others are having, even when I disagree with them.  

#8: Divorcing someone you have kids with doesn’t end your relationship with them. 

If you have children with the person you are divorcing, your relationship does not end when you sign the paperwork. Divorce certainly will change your relationship significantly, but you still have to work together with this person for many years to come. Those experiences when you have to be at concerts and games together, or just the exchange at visitation time, are potent to your children. Do what you can to be civil, even if your ex-spouse cannot be, for the sake of your kids.

#9: Untangling your life from a partner is incredibly complicated (you need excellent guidance)

There are many different ways couples can file for divorce. When we started the divorce process, we agreed to get lawyers involved instead of using a mediator because we both wanted an experienced and knowledgeable person advising us and looking out for us individually. I know a mediator can achieve more amicable splits, and I am always impressed with couples who can do this.

My ex and I each needed our own expert working on our behalf to sort through the many details of untangling our lives. As mentioned above in point #8, our lives will forever be entangled, and we need expert advice on how to do that.  

My lawyer was a trusted confidant in my most challenging time, and I will forever be grateful for her.

#10: Life will change – in some ways for the better and some ways for the worse

Of course, this is true for life (and I promised there would be cliches).

The most difficult adjustment I faced during the divorce process was that my life no longer looked like I thought it would. I never pictured myself being a single parent, step-parent, or ex-wife. Those were roles I was hoping to avoid in my life. Accepting that this was now my story and I had to make it the best I could was an exercise in resilience and grief. 

If you are beginning or considering the divorce process, know that it will likely be one of the most challenging things you will do. However, with some support and a lesson from this list, I hope you find some inspiration to keep going and doing your best, whatever that looks like from day to day, for yourself and your family. We all deserve happiness, but happiness is a choice to work towards, not a destination.  

Please add a comment with a question or piece of advice below. We are your village.