I have three kids. Each has their own personality and way of pitching around the house.  I have learned to be creative and flexible to get my kids to help out more at home. In the past, I was expected to do all the cleaning and cooking, even though I had a full-time job and was responsible for all the kids’ needs, activities, and events.

I was exhausted and was drowning in a cycle of never being able to do enough.  I could never rest without feeling guilty.

One blessing from standing up for myself and splitting with my ex was that I could create a new culture in my home, raise my children, and create the rules around this new way of functioning.  It didn’t happen overnight, but as I began to respect myself and my needs, I held my children to that expectation, and it’s no surprise that we are all happier at home than ever.

If you feel alone and drained every day as you struggle to finish the tasks, you don’t need to overhaul your life to make a change.  

Teaching your children to pitch in around the house is teaching them the principles of teamwork, collaboration, and community. They will learn that the other members of their family rely on them, and they can also rely on their family members.  It builds confidence in themselves and trust in others.

Here are the principles I have instilled in my house that get kids to help out more at home:

1. Our family is a team.

I may be the team’s captain, but we are all valuable members that can contribute to a “win.” Like on any sports team, we have different positions and different assignments, but together, our work equals a win. Everyone must do their job for the team to win. 

2. It is helping, not a chore.

The word “chore” often has a negative connotation, but the word “helping” has a positive one.  Switch it up for a more positive outcome. You don’t have to do your chores to earn an allowance or another tangible reward.  Your assigned task is your way of contributing to the family and taking care of our home.  You are expected to do it, but it’s not a punishment; it’s an assignment. Keep the tone positive and focus on the contribution to the family in order to get your kids to help out more at home.

3. Helping isn’t a transactional experience. 

Your child pitching in and contributing to the family earns them respect and a happier home.  If you pay them an allowance for their chores, you teach them that they should be compensated for taking care of their things.  Only a job works that way, while life provides natural consequences.  If you want me to buy you those new clothes, basketball, or even spend just a few dollars on your latest Roblox game, you must be a contributing and helpful member of the house.

For example, my middle child’s chore is to take out the kitchen garbage.  Today, I told him twice that the trash was full, and he responded that he would get to it.  Instead of demanding he do it now, I let it sit and gave him another reminder about an hour later.  Then, he got invited to a friend’s house and asked if he could go. I immediately said yes, but he must take out the garbage first.  Sure enough, he ran to the kitchen and did it.  He didn’t argue or beg. He had a goal and knew his part of the chores was necessary to get done, so he did it.  And that is fine with me and brings me to my next point:

4. Let go of the need to control the when and how.

I used to think that being able to make my kids behave how I wanted them to when I wanted them to was being a good parent.  Over the years, I have learned that the more I try to control the when and how, the more disappointment and disharmony we all experience at home.  Letting go of the need to have it done my way and just being satisfied with the job getting done has been life-changing.  It has allowed my children to learn through experiences and natural consequences (i.e., if you wait too long, the garbage will be overfull and more challenging to take out). 

5. Don’t be afraid to say “no.”

I often hear from parents who are afraid to say “no” to their children, scared they will disappoint them and damage their relationship.  To this idea, I say that there is uncertainty and disappointment in life that you cannot protect your children from. You can, however, teach them how to cope with disappointment in small, simple ways.  When denying a request or setting up a new rule or boundary with my kids, I always discuss the reasoning behind it with them.  I want them to understand that my rules are not in place to make them miserable but rather because I see a need to protect them this way.  They don’t have to like it, but they always respect me for it because it comes with a heart-to-heart conversation in a loving tone.

Even though I frequently talk with my children about expectations, they often don’t learn the lesson until they have tested my warnings.  They are unhappy when I say no, but they don’t hate me or harbor resentment.  Enforcing a consequence when they don’t pitch in at home also teaches them about the disappointment they will face outside the house when they don’t take care of their things.  

Key Takeaways:

1. Our Family is a Team.
2. It is helping, not a chore.
3. Helping isn’t a transactional experience.
4. Let go of the need to control the when and how.
5. Don’t be afraid to say “no.” 

Shift the focus around your kids pitching in at home from a negative one to a positive one.  Instead of you MUST do chores, change it to you are expected to help out your family.  These are two very different ways to look at the same thing.

Hold them accountable for helping, and remember to praise and thank them for their help.

It’s important to mention that you must LET them help.  I’m the type that likes things done a certain way and wants to be seen by others as capable.  However, I’ve learned that getting my kids to help out at home makes my children stronger and strengthens our bond as we rely on each other. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed with the daily grind and need help finding a way forward, read my post on How to Overcome a Personal Crisis.

Comment below to share your ways to get your kids to help out more at home.

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