The American Middle School is a unique cultural experience for adolescents. If your child’s school district is structured so that they will attend a Middle School (typically a building housing 6th, 7th, and 8th-grade students), there are some things you should know. I was a middle school counselor for eight years and am currently the mother of a middle school daughter. Here are my tips for parenting in the middle school years.

Middle school is a transitional time in your child’s life.

It is the last chance you have to parent them before allowing them to sink or swim in the pseudo-adult world of high school.

They will have more responsibility than in their elementary years, where they will now have to change classes between bell periods, use a locker, change for PE class, and balance participation in extra-curricular activities. They will try to fit in and find themselves and their core friend group while friendship dynamics, popularity, and coolness constantly change.

With the addition of social media, our children have to deal with social issues much more prevalent and potent than we did at their age.

In this article, I will highlight key ideas that you, as the parent of a middle-schooler, should try to keep in focus throughout these years. Pour yourself a stiff cup of coffee, and let’s settle in.

1. You are their Parent and, Thus, You are in Charge.

They will hate this one, and it is developmentally appropriate for them to battle you. The middle school stage of child development is defined by the struggle to be independent of their parental figures while trying to fit in with their peers. They will constantly be comparing what everyone else at school gets to do and what permissions they are allowed from their parents and will challenge you on the rules you have set for your family and in your home.

My daughter has challenged me on several house rules that, as she grew, needed to be updated. Always a fan of structure, I will keep a rule in place until I am forced to give it up. It’s just my parenting style to keep them young and little as long as I can. And leave it to my oldest, my strong-willed daughter, to challenge those rules that keep me in my most comfortable parenting sphere. I have learned that giving some bend to my rules benefitted her more than holding her stuck following something that felt old and outdated.

By allowing her to protest and advocate for herself, once I yielded to her request, I showed her that she could improve her life by using her voice and advocating for herself.

I caved on things like having her phone in her room after bedtime on weekends or allowing her to go to public places with a group of friends I know and trust. But, she knows I will push back, question, and sometimes flat out say “no.”

I have always embraced the logic that I want my children to understand why I am denying a request. While I love the “because I said so” concept because it takes less energy and gets straight to the point, I know there is more value in teaching my middle school child why I disapprove and what the potential risks or dangers are. She can argue back, but ultimately, my decision is final.

As a counselor, I often see parents give in to their child’s wishes because they don’t want their children to “resent” them. This statement does not say I don’t cave when I don’t want to. I do, as shown in the examples above.

However, in my opinion, going against your judgment as a parent to please your child or win their love is a recipe for disaster.

When my son or daughter does not like the decision I have made regarding their request to do or have something, I use the following tools to help them understand my position:

• “I have explained to you why I feel this situation is dangerous, unacceptable, or impossible for us at this time, and you don’t have to like it, but you need to respect my decision.”
• “Giving you what you want is not my job as your parent. Keeping you safe and teaching you how to be an adult is.”
• “We can discuss this again later or after x event or time.” 
• “I love you. And sometimes loving you means putting my foot down and doing what I think is best for you, even if you disagree.”

You don’t have to give your child the world to make them love you. Have tough conversations and help them to see how much love, care, and attention you put into caring for them. They will respect your rules and boundaries when you discuss them with respect and love. Ultimately, you teach them how to handle conflict with a loved one. Model it well.

2. It is Too Soon for a “Hands-Off” Approach.

In my years as a Middle School Counselor, I had countless conversations with parents whose children were not completing assignments and, thus, failing their classes. When I asked the parents if they saw the child completing homework in the evenings, they said they were letting their child “sink or swim” independently. In other words, they were not checking up on the work their child was completing.

Many parents would explain that their child protested early in the school year, and since it was now middle school, they figured it was best to let their child figure it out through failure.

While I believe there is a lot to learn from failure with the right attitude, typically, middle school students who choose not to complete their assignments and fall behind in their classes often get overwhelmed with how and what they need to do to catch up, and they give up. This struggle is when the idea that they just aren’t good at school or “don’t care” starts to rear its ugly head. This pattern of behavior reinforces the limiting belief that they can’t do it, and now we have a mountain to climb instead of a molehill.

My advice: start middle school with the same amount of parental oversight and involvement your child successfully had in elementary school.

Once they prove they can regularly complete their assignments and keep their grades up (to the best of their ability), you can start to pull back and monitor their grades from a more distant place.

3. YOU SHOULD BE IN COMMUNICATION WITH THE SCHOOL.

Listen, maybe you weren’t the star student, captain of the football team, or student government president, and that is more than okay. Whatever your middle school/high school experience was, even if it was mostly traumatic, you are not that person anymore. You are a parent trying to get to know the school 15-30 years after you attended. Your job is to get to know your child’s school. Peruse the website, attend the parent events, and email the teachers and guidance counselor with any questions. You are the parent and, thus, the first and most influential teacher in your child’s life. Own this role, and don’t let the school scare you off. Please get involved in any parent organization you can, or at least keep up with their emails and messages. The more you know about your child’s school, the better you can understand their daily experience.

Conversely, if you were the cheer captain or honor roll student who loved your school experience, please understand that your child might not have the same experience you did. Schools are living, breathing entities that have changed dramatically over the last few decades. Let your child tell you about their experiences in school and believe them or check out anything questionable with an adult in charge at the school.

4. Remember what middle school felt like for you, and have some compassion for this deeply transformational time in your child’s life.

From puberty to social media to state testing, our children are dealing with more than we did at their age. Imagine developing before your friends and classmates and having to sit in a health class where the teacher talks about and shows pictures of physical development. Most adults would squirm in their seats with what is being explained to our kids. It is essential information that they are curious about and scared to admit they are curious about simultaneously.

Need help monitoring your child’s social media and online gaming? I use BARK to alert me to the first sign of trouble.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

As a parent of a middle schooler, try to remember a few key points:

• Your child’s attitude does not always reflect how they feel about you, but it can be a sign that something is bothering them.
• Sometimes they honestly don’t know how they feel. A little time and some discussion with you or a friend could help.
• Adolescence is a challenging stage in the parent/child relationship. Be open to flexibility while holding the line on your core values.  
• Be the adult you hope your child grows up to be and show compassion in their most challenging moments.

If your child is going through something more complicated than a typical middle school problem, don’t hesitate to contact the school counselor, social worker, psychologist, or teacher. And if you are dealing with a personal or family crisis, read more on overcoming it and get valuable resources here.

Comment below with any tips or wisdom you want to share with parents of middle school children.

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