Stop Parenting Scared: How To End Fear Based Parenting

As a mother of three young kids, I would say that everything scares me, yet I’m afraid of nothing at the same time. If I listed the amount of major issues I have handled in the 14 years I have been a mom, I would still be writing. That list of trials, tribulations, minor crises, major crises, broken bones, and hospital stays should give me strength. I should look at that imaginary list and realize that I (or we) can overcome anything.

No matter how many incidents of heartbreak, disappointment, and loss I have helped my children through and dealt with for myself, there is still one thing I fear more than anything else: losing the love of my children.

I admit, it’s a mildly irrational fear. However, not every person grows up to have a great relationship with their parents. It is not a given that they will love me forever. I must realize that just as I am hard-wired by nature to love my children, they are hard-wired to love me, too. As a counselor, I have talked with many young children who have neglectful and abusive parents that they love. They simply know nothing else, but even when they find a supportive, loving foster home or adoptive family, they very often still crave the love and acceptance of that biological parent.

Hard-wired or not, I want my children to love me. But, at times when I have lived in fear of disappointing them and having them mad at me, I have actually done them a disservice as a parent. We have all heard of “helicopter parents” and “snow plow” parents, and I stand to argue that the manipulation skills of a scared parent can rival the greatest of magicians. If any of this resonates with you, you might be using fear based parenting to cope.

Where does this fear of losing the love of our children come from?

I don’t think my parents were afraid to disappoint me, so what is unique to our generation? I think one factor could be the rise of suicide rates over generations. The 2021 Adolescent Behaviors and Experiences Survey completed by the Center for Disease Control says that rates of depression and anxiety among teens are rising to alarming levels. Parents are fed statistics on the mental health crisis of our youth without being given the tools to address it.

The best advice given to a parent of a depressed or anxious teen is to get your child into counseling. This suggests that something is wrong with the child alone and that he/she/they need to change. We need to address the family system as a whole and not label one part of the family as defective. While it’s true that one person in the family could be going through a mental health crisis while other members are not. When one member is in crisis, the others are impacted regardless of how great their coping skills are.

It’s impossible for one family member’s storm not to get the others wet.

If you cringe when you know you didn’t get your child something they requested from the store. If you find yourself needing to check with your child on what they want before you can make even the smallest decision for them, or if you live in fear of a meltdown or threat from your child in reaction to something they didn’t like, you may be parenting in fear.

So, how do we put an end to fear based parenting? The answer is slowly and deliberately.

Here are four steps to take to begin to reverse your fear-based reactions and egg-shell walking behaviors. Take charge of your home and family life and provide your children with structure while teaching them one of life’s most valuable lessons: how to deal with disappointment.

Have a discussion with your partner.

All problems at home are handled best with a team approach. Have a discussion with your partner before making any changes. It’s vital to back each other up and ensure both parents hold their ground amidst rebellion from your children.

Identify ways you Give in to your child due to fear of their reaction.

The first step to changing negative behaviors is identifying them. Try to examine your behaviors and thoughts and catch any moments when you are making decisions out of fear in regard to your children.

As parents, we make many decisions daily to make our children happy. I’m not saying buying their favorite snacks or picking them up a surprise treat is fear based parenting. Instead, look at your behaviors to ensure you do these things out of love and not fear. Are you doing things for your children that create extra stress in your life to avoid confrontation with them? Are you buying their favorite snacks because you want them to be happy or because they will throw a fit at home if you don’t? There is a big difference. Identify structures or routines within your household that favor inequity of duties.

The daily operation of our homes and family life can be a process we seldom evaluate. Are you adjusting your child’s chores and responsibilities at home as they grow older? Do you have the same expectations for your kids that you did when they were younger? It may be time to examine how you are teaching your child personal responsibility. Do they have to clean their rooms, do chores in the house, and maintain their homework and school or sports duties?

Get help to stop Fear Based Parenting

As someone who works with adolescents and their families regularly, I truly feel there is not enough support for families today. Mental Health services for teens have increased in recent years, but most lack true and lasting parent training or support.

We have natural parenting instincts that are challenged by this modern world. Today, the risks to our children are just as much internal as external. The most well-equipped parents I know struggle with if they are doing the right thing when challenged by their child. The saying, “it takes a village”, is true not because children need to be supervised by several adults but because parents need to support each other.

Confide in other parents you know and trust, listen to parenting podcasts, or read parenting blogs and books. You can find support groups by calling your local town, county government, or hospital. Use your school personnel as resources, too.

I hope this post was helpful to you and aided you in identifying ways you might be fear based parenting. Please share your thoughts in the comment section below. You never know who you may help.

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